Funny Things You Experience in a Relationship
"Women have all the power because women accept all the vaginas." —Dave Attell
"Whoever named it necking was a poor estimate of anatomy." —Groucho Marx
"A human being tin sleep around, no questions asked, merely if a woman makes xix or xx mistakes she's a tramp." —Joan Rivers
"There are only iii things women need in life: nutrient, water, and compliments." —Chris Stone
"Never marry a human being you wouldn't desire to exist divorced from." —Nora Ephron
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Sat night." —Woody Allen
"Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it'due south good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt." —Mike Birbiglia
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a eatery 2 times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." —Henny Youngman
Union is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? —Groucho Marx
"If nosotros take matrimony at it's everyman, nosotros regard it every bit a sort of friendship recognized past the police." —Robert Louis Stevenson
"Everything in the world is nigh sex except sex. Sex activity is nigh ability." —Oscar Wilde
"I call back we can all agree that sleeping around is a great mode to come across people." —Chelsea Handler
"Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can exist ready in two minutes. Women, on the other manus, are similar fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to exist exactly correct for it to occur." —Jerry Seinfeld
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough claret supply to run both at the same time." —Robin Williams
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." —Joan Rivers
"What I really need is a adult female who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math." —Mike Birbiglia
"Women are cursed, and men are the proof." —Roseanne Barr
"We accept reason to believe that man first walked upright to gratuitous his easily for masturbation." —Lily Tomlin
"Women don't desire to hear what you think. Women desire to hear what they think— in a deeper voice." —Bill Cosby
"I remember the first time I had sex. I kept the receipt." —Groucho Marx
"My married woman and I were happy for 20 years - then nosotros met." —Rodney Dangerfield
"It's non true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on." —Marilyn Monroe
"Sex is like air; it's non of import unless you aren't getting whatever." —John Callahan
"Sex activity without love is a meaningless experience, merely as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good." —Woody Allen
"Sexual practice is ane of the nigh wholesome, cute and natural experiences that money can buy." —Steve Martin
"If Jack'southward in love, he's no guess of Jill'due south dazzler." —Benjamin Franklin
"She said she wanted a separation. I was horrified, and I said, You want me to wear a safe!'"—Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible
"I do wanna get married. It just sounds bully. You get to become grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging nether the cozy covers. Mmmm! Only sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much every bit I want to become dipped in a vat of warm, ascent bread dough. That might feel pretty good, likewise." —Maria Bamford
"Sex activity and murder are the aforementioned. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!' —Dave Attell
"It's no skilful pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party." —Nick Hornby
"Anyone who says he can come across through women is missing a lot." —Groucho Marx
"A human who correctly guesses a woman`s historic period may exist smart, only he'south not very bright." —Lucille Ball
"My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy scattering of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich." —Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
"Expert girls get to heaven and bad girls go everywhere." —Helen Gurley Chocolate-brown
"I believe that sexual activity is a beautiful thing betwixt two people. Betwixt five, it's fantastic." —Woody Allen
"Y'all'd exist surprised how much it costs to wait this inexpensive." —Dolly Parton
"My heart's in the right identify. I know, cuz I hid it there." —Carrie Fisher
"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in honey or I had smallpox." —Woody Allen
--Written by Emily Winter for HowAboutWe Which quote can yous chronicle to the best? Got any other adept ones to add?
Source: https://www.glamour.com/story/the-41-funniest-things-ever-sa
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